The lowest point in my marriage thus far occurred last summer, when we found ourselves utterly, ridiculously maxed-out. Our third child was due and I was in a haze, exhausted. My husband’s business hit a new level of crazy (simultaneously amazing and horrible), which meant he was either gone or on the phone 90% of the time and mentally unreachable for the rest. We became suddenly aware that our home was too small for a family of five, and decided, somewhat idiotically, that now would be the perfect time to buy a new place and move. And then, on top of all of that, there was the most difficult issue: Our baby was shown prenatally to have an unidentifiable brain malformation, which, once he was born, was far more severe than predicted. The abyss of unknown things was unspeakably awful to inhabit; I was crippled with anxiety and grief, but I had a 3- and 2-year-old to manage and had to fight constantly against it overtaking me.
He was stressed, I was grieving … and then he left his butter knife on the side of the sink again while making breakfast for just himself and I suddenly wanted to scream at him with reckless abandon.
Most couples report decreased happiness when their children are younger than age four, and it’s not hard to see why. Sleep deprivation, financial strain, sexual frustration, inequitable division of the burdens of family life, and hormonal changes have a way of turning any cracks in the foundations of your relationship into giant, gaping fissures. This is why I wanted to sit down with Kiel Walters. She is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist who has helped many families navigate these difficult changes (including my own!) by offering guidance in communication and constructive conflict, as well as support in changing unhelpful patterns and beliefs that we all bring to our partnerships. I called her up one snowy morning, and by the end of our conversation I was ready to go home and get to work on relationship maintenance. Here’s her advice for staying connected after baby.
Communicate proactively. “I talk to couples all the time about communicating their needs and planning accordingly to make them a reality, versus trying to figure it all out in the moment, when you’re both heightened, in the middle of daily life.” One place where planning can improve things, she says, is that combustible time of day when everyone is coming back together. “Especially when there’s one partner at home with kids all day, it can be really helpful to talk or text before you see each other. Ask where things are at, what the vibe is at home, and determine what everyone’s needs are. This can give both of you a sense of the mood the other is in, so it’s not like everything that’s been building up during the day is immediately taken out on your partner when you see them. You’re in completely different places at that moment; one person might be completely burnt out on adult interaction while the other is starved of it. There are going to be challenges. But there can be ways to plan in some manner that can bring you together.”
Communicate carefully. When you’re trying to hash things out, either proactively (ideal) or in the moment (not great, but probably inevitable), there is a lot to be said for how you say it. “Your partner will be more likely to hear you if tune in to your own feelings and needs. What’s really going on underneath your reactions?” Using those determinations to phrase your words will help you and your partner have a discussion, as opposed to a fight. For example, if one partner laments that they have no time alone, it does no good to respond by telling them how absurd that complaint might seem … even if, hypothetically, you sleep with three kids under four in your bed and haven’t showered in peace since 2016. (Hypothetically…) Kiel says that instead, you could say, “Wow, that’s really hard for me to hear because, in my mind, you’re getting a drive to work by yourself and a shower by yourself, and I’m also feeling deprived of alone time. So when I hear you say that, I get worried that you’re missing my needs. Or that you’re going to be asking more from me when I feel like a can’t give anything else.”
Another common fight is surrounding the heavy mental load, a lot of which is often carried by Mom. “It’s important to talk about it,” Kiel says, “but not as in, ‘You’re an asshole, I can’t believe you did or didn’t do this or that.’” Instead, “Slow things down, ask questions, be curious, share what your emotions are, and then talk about what you need in order to feel less burdened and resentful. You can say, ‘When I saw you do that, this is what came up for me, this is what I’m struggling with, this is how I interpret this,’ or, ‘this is the story I’m telling myself when I see something like that happen.’ And don’t talk about your partner as the problem, talk about the problem as the problem: ‘This pattern’ or ‘This point of contention is a difficulty for me, so let’s figure out how we can work together on it.’”
You can also use proactive, kind, and empathetic communication to talk about sex, which is another big point of conflict. “It’s super common that one partner needs to be emotionally connected in order to want physical connection, while with the other, it’s the opposite. They need physical connection in order to want emotional connection.” So talk about it. “Figure out how it feels ok to connect. Say, ‘I’m not in a place where I want sex, but we can ______.’ It’s not going to be like this forever.”
Prioritize your partnership. “I think it’s important to remember that this is the person you chose to spend your life with, who came before all these little people. There’s a reason you’re together. These will not be the best years of your relationship, but you can get through the insanity while at the same time maintaining the foundation, because in the future, when you have more time and energy, you’re really going to want something to be left.” Laugh together, she says. Be mindful of the good moments. And, very importantly, don’t fall victim to the ‘date night’ trap. “Spending time and energy and money to get out sets huge expectations that can lead to more disappointment, more conflict. The more you can develop routines and rituals that allow for connection throughout every day, the better off you’re going to be. So kiss good morning and goodbye, sit on the couch, share a meal, tell each other about your days. Make eye contact. Hug. This is a season of life, and right now, the most important thing is to do as much as you can to maintain resilience. You’ll be better in your relationship, and as parents.”
Here are a few other tidbits she offered in support of your partnership:
Throwing jabs fosters disconnection. Don’t be mean.
Scorekeeping, or the game of “Who’s Life is Worse?” is almost never helpful. Don’t respond to a partner’s complaint or concern with the assertion that your complaints and concerns are more severe, more pressing. Embrace their perspective. Validate and honor their needs.
In the moment is not the time to say things. Proactive communication!
We’re not trying to fix ALL the problems. “Issues that were there before kids will remain and probably intensify. This time in your life is more about acceptance and understanding, and the more you can do that, the more you’ll foster connection.” (For more on solvable vs. perpetual problems, Kiel recommends this.)
Remember that having kids can activate old trauma. No one had a perfect childhood. As you watch your partner parent your children, be mindful of what’s coming up for you, and step back before you react.
Letting go of myths and stigma will allow for greater adaptation, more creative solutions. The ‘never go to bed angry’ and ‘never fight in front of the kids’ tropes are dead. “Recognizing when you need breaks and space away, giving yourself that, then coming back when you can approach from a different angle … this is a much better way to manage conflict.” As for the children, they can handle a certain level of healthy conflict, and they will benefit from seeing the repair. Show them how to disagree kindly and respectfully. “It’s not like all this conversation between couples has to happen behind closed doors. That can cause a really unhealthy build-up.” Sleeping in the same bed is also something you can reconsider, despite the stigma.
Know that your partner is not going to give you everything. Connect with others, find a community, get support.
Do something every day in support of your relationship. Little things, like touching, hugs or kisses, a text or phone call, or a positive affirmation like “Wow, you’re doing an amazing job!” can make a big difference. Subscribe to The Marriage Minute from the Gottman Institute for twice-weekly ideas to further cement your bond.
Books: To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First by David Code, And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman and Nan Silver, Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships by Sue Johnson.
Podcasts: ‘Where Should We Begin? With Esther Perel’, ‘The Longest Shortest Time’, especially this series on sex and parenthood, this one, and this one.
Shelley DeWees is a three-time Willow client who spends her days chasing her preschooler son and toddler daughter around her home in South St Paul. Her most recent addition, another boy, arrived just this past July! Shelley also loves going to workout classes and is an avid reader.